its time.

ive never felt so unbelievably weak and helpless before. i mean, i have. but not since nick died. i cant do anything about it. its up to him. if he wants to let go then i have to allow him to let go. i have to be strong enough to let him let go. i have to brace myself for the worst. because its going to happen. i dont make him happy, its a joke. he wants me to make him happy. i want to make him happy. but i dont cut it. he deserves so much better.

hes amazing. in every way i can even think possible. and i love him more than life itself. i cherish him more than i cherish my own life. and he deserves so much better. all i do is give him crap. and apparently, one too many arguments. i lost it. i gave up everything i wanted just to vent and argue but in return i pushed him away. i made this decision myself, to argue with him. when i started that argument i pushed him away and i made him lose hope.

this is when i lose everything. when i officially have to rebuild myself back up from the ground. this is when i have finally had enough and i finally pushed the last person away from me. this is when i start over. alone and by myself.

this is when i have to begin again. i have to begin again.i dont know if i can do this, just to lose it all anyway. i dont think i can do this. i did this to myself. i dont think i can do this. i was never as strong as people thought i was. i was made weak. i was made so terribly weak. brought up weak. im not made for this.