its time.

ive never felt so unbelievably weak and helpless before. i mean, i have. but not since nick died. i cant do anything about it. its up to him. if he wants to let go then i have to allow him to let go. i have to be strong enough to let him let go. i have to brace myself for the worst. because its going to happen. i dont make him happy, its a joke. he wants me to make him happy. i want to make him happy. but i dont cut it. he deserves so much better.

hes amazing. in every way i can even think possible. and i love him more than life itself. i cherish him more than i cherish my own life. and he deserves so much better. all i do is give him crap. and apparently, one too many arguments. i lost it. i gave up everything i wanted just to vent and argue but in return i pushed him away. i made this decision myself, to argue with him. when i started that argument i pushed him away and i made him lose hope.

this is when i lose everything. when i officially have to rebuild myself back up from the ground. this is when i have finally had enough and i finally pushed the last person away from me. this is when i start over. alone and by myself.

this is when i have to begin again. i have to begin again.i dont know if i can do this, just to lose it all anyway. i dont think i can do this. i did this to myself. i dont think i can do this. i was never as strong as people thought i was. i was made weak. i was made so terribly weak. brought up weak. im not made for this.

i dont get it.

i dont get how he can tell me he loves me SOOO much, but doesnt bother to change a thing. i dont understand it. his friends hate me because "im so fucking depressing" when ive changed just to make his life easier so that it would change. so i could possibly be friends with his friends. but that'll never happen because he doesnt give a rats ass if his friends ever like me. he doesnt care if his friends hate me. he doesnt care at all. so his life with his friends will always be seperate from me when i include him in absolutely everything.

things are unfair. ive learned. you can expect so much from someone but never ever get the same in return. you can bust your ass just to keep this person happy but you'll never get it in return. i spend nights crying and feeling my heart break over something i know i did wrong. but instead of comforting me to make it stop, he lets it happen like its totally okay. cause its totally fine to feel my heart breaking because of someone i completely love right.

i dont understand why i go through this. i know i deserve better. i know it. i definetly know it. but why cant i let it go and just move on and find that someone who is better. who will at least treat me with some goddamn respect. why cant i allow myself to go and be happy. with someone who will treat me better. why cant i do that.

what cant i fucking do that. just for myself. why cant i do something to make MYSELF happy for once. i dont understand why i let myself be walked over by people who really dont appreciate me. honestly. i dont fucking get it.

i need to move on. i need to let him go, and move on damnit.
I NEED TO LET HIM GO.

the movie list.

1.X Lion king 1
2.X Lion king 1.5
3.X Lion King 2
4.X Fern Gully
5.X Oliver and Company
6. Homeward Bound
7. Land Before Time 1
7a. Land Before Time 2
7b. Land Before Time 3
7c. Land Before Time 4
8. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
9. Aristocats
10. The Notebook
11. The Wedding Date
12. Bring it on
13. Alice in Wonderland
14.X Van Helsing
15. Changeling
16. Zac and Miri Make A Porno
17. Madagascar 2
18. Igor
19. Bolt
20. The Dark Knight
21. Eagle Eye
22. My Best Friend's Girl
23.X Wanted
24. Wall-e
25.X Sisterhood of the travelling pants 1
25a.X Sisterhood of the travelling pants 2
26. monsters inc.
27. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
28. Beauty and the Beast
29. Mulan 1
29a. Mulan 2
30. A Bugs Life
31. Finding Nemo
32. The Incredibles
33. Pooh's Heffalump Movie
34. Ratatouille
35.Toy Story 1
35a. Toy Story 2
36. Live Free or Die Hard
37. Forest Gump
38. Saving Private Ryan
39. The Truman Show
40. Anastasia
41. Annie
42. Cast Away

he sure knows how to break my heart, more and more each time. and then tell me he loves me. thinking it fixes everything.


woot to falling apart. every single time.
i dont see how this is worth it.

arg

i tried to just voice my opinion. you know cause people say voicing your opinion is good and self gratifying. i guess not. i try to tell someone how much something bothers me that THEY are doing and its turned around on me, because we are in no way anything. right.

i feel utterly annoyed and in a way betrayed. i figured he'd be a little more suseptive, i dont even know how to spell that word right now, and a little less defensive. what does he have to get defensive about. WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO GET DEFENSIVE ABOUT. since he's so happy living his life like that, what is there to be defensive about. to a fucking 17 year old. come on.

whatever.

yeh.

okay well valentines day wasnt that bad.
i guess.
i had to cancel these extravagant dinner plans for my 7th month anniversary with ricky but he totally forgot and didnt know what i was talking about and why i was so upset so that made me even more upset.
we went and saw friday the 13th and he spent the entire movie covering his eyes by nuzzling into my neck and holding onto me for dear life. it was cute.

and then today i volunteered with New Leash for the pet adoption at Petco and some of the people irritated the crap out of me. if your gona tell other people about the dogs, let someone who knows the dogs well do it. dont go and tell the public the wrong information you dumb whore.

it was irritating.
but other than that, idk. i try to live day to day as best as i can. even if its harder than other days i still try my best. and today wasnt that bad i guess.

i just hope it sticks.

...

i dont think its fair that everyday i have to wake up and make it seem like nothing is wrong. i have to continuously do things that i dont want to do just in case i'm not going to end up dying. i have to convince myself to be alive. and i cant make anyone understand what i'm going through. no one will be able to no matter what i do and with that it isnt fair.

everyday since i got out of a coma ive known that it will happen. but i was given to know that it will happen after high school and into my 20's. but no. it happens before high school is over.

i have to put a smile on my face even when i'm hurting and breaking. i care so much about the happiness of the people around me that when my happiness is limited, i know others are happy. theres only so much someone can take. and i may have reached my limit.

i really dont think i can take more adjusting to things i dont need to be adjusting to. i hate my life. i dont want to be here anymore. but i'm here because it makes other people happy to know that im here. nothing is fair. the world is just a big ball of truths that are never really understood or are ventured for. you can spend your life looking and still never know what it is or what it can mean. you can never know to what extent anyone really cares of what life means.

i will always treat life differently than any other person and it will always conflict with others. i cherish life more knowing what it is going to happen to me. im just different.